So Saturday is my big day. I have my audition for the BFA program at the college I attend. This determines whether or not I get into the musical theater program. I hope it goes well. I have been rehearsing all week and I think I am ready for every part except the dancing part. At least one part of my life is going well. I still wish that things would begin to look up on another part. You know I just dont see how someone can continue to stay with someone who controls every move they make. I mean this guy cant even make the decision to talk to his family without first consenting with his controlling psycho "girlfriend." I mean he promises his sister he would help her with her homework then he doesnt follow through. This psycho texts her for his sisters password to her online homework. I mean why cant he do it???? His sister doesnt want him to do it. She just wants help and someone to talk to. I do it all the time, and I enjoy doing it. I feel like I am more of a sister to her than he is right now. And all of his family members hate her. It is just frustrating to know that I am already a part of his family but yet he chooses to be with someone he says that makes him miserable. I don't know how it will work. I mean how can anyone be in a relationship with someone that everyone in his family hates. Another thing is that she doesn't like his family. The way I see her and her parents is that they look down on his family, she thinks she is better than him, but I think that she is trashy. I think her parents are scummy. I am sorry but if you are going to look down on someone elses family I will look down on yours. His family is one of the kindest families I have ever talked to. I love them like my own and I don't care if we aren't together, they will always be my family too. That is going to be hard for me to hear them talk about him and know that I am not the one he chose. I love him and I still do, but the good people never win in situations like this. It is always the people who play games who win in the end. Why can't my life have happy endings?

So, I am at school. Bored. I hate having to have to wake up everyday at 6 am to go to school, but at least I can say I am doing something with my life. I had Ballet this morning and I know that I am not much of a dancer. I am hoping that things change soon and my muscles start working like they need to in order to become better at dancing. I think it's this whole thing about me being really shy and not so confident. I used to be a little more confident than what I was, but all that has changed in the last couple of months. I just don't feel confident in myself anymore. I am really depressed and I wish that things would make a turn for the better, but they just haven't been. I am in school which is a good thing and I just got a job working at a Sonic in Springfield, but my life just feels empty. I have no one to share it with anymore. I haven't really had the time nor the gas money to make it into town to hang out with my friends. Dani was trying to set me up with this guy but I am not interested. I have no interest in anyone else at this moment. I would rather be alone to focus on myself, but I hate being lonely. I guess just haven't found that one to make me happy and do things for me. When I like someone I put every thought and action towards making him happy but I never thought about myself. Was that person really making me happy? I thought so, maybe I was naive, but I thought he loved me or at least cared deeply for me. When you say you love someone, I think you would expect it to mean something. I don't want to be set up with anyone, I don't want people to feel sorry for me, I just need to express my feelings because I am tired of holding them in. I just wish things were different and that things would go the way that they were said they were going to go. I know that everything happens for a reason and God has plans for me, but I am just tired of waiting and being alone. I wish things would just get better for me this gosh darn time.

My Life as of Now

I have decided to make a blog in order to vent my feelings and get some things off my chest. I don't care who reads this, even if I hate your guts, because it just goes to show that some of us really don't give a shit what you think of us. My love life, well what there is, I really don't have one. Three months ago the love of my life moved away. I think that he was pushed and lied to in order to move a thousand miles away from his family plus me. The family is what concerns me the most. How could anyone move away from the ones that love him most, to be somewhere he doesnt want to be, where he clearly expressed that he hated this beep beep? I don't know and I hope this individual reads this because it only makes me laugh at you. I don't care if its not nice, if you can brag about being such a bitch, then I can just say what I want on my own blog in order to piss you off. Well you see this guy, we were friends before anything else. I met him back of February of '09 at school and I didnt find out until maybe 3 to 4 weeks had passed by that he had a "gf", if that's what she should be called. Well she moved away about 8 months ago and while she was gone he and I were sort of seeing each other. He made the moves on me. I think that he should have broken up with her like he said he was going to before he starting kissing and making out with me. Well you know in the heat of the moment things got out of hand and it went further than it should have. When that happens and when he says that he loved me and cared a lot about me before any of this went down, one would expect more from him. I thought he wanted to be with me and apparently that's what his siblings thought too. His siblings really dislike this "gf" of his that forced him to move 1000 miles away. I am really close to every single one of his family members. It just sucks that he left and I am so depressed. I almost cry everyday and this bitch of a "gf" would just laugh and wouldn't care less how I am feeling. She has him now and I have to deal with it one way or another. Don't think that suicide hasn't crossed my mind, because it has. I love him so much. He has known my feelings since gosh I don't know when. I told him that it is probably bad that I feel that way and he said, "Why is that bad?" I should have known when he told me to keep it between me and him that something was up. Every time this girls name would come up he would bash her. Talking about her bad habits, the way she cleans house, and just plain how damn rude she is. I don't know why he moved? He hasn't spoken to me in a long time and my mom got so mad that she emailed this girl. I didn't know my mom did that but I get stuck with the blame. Maybe if this "gf" would keep the people on her FB blocked, like she had before, then she wouldn't hear things she didn't want to. But now that its all out in the open, yes hun, he has been cheating on you, and you're a fool to stay with someone who doesn't treat you with respect and love you. Cause clearly cheating is a sign of I DONT LOVE YOU! Especially when I found it that it wasn't just with me but many others, throughout your whole relationship. You must be a horrible gf.